Dealing with Grief and Loss in Your Relationship: An Interview with Amy
In the following interview, Amy (42) talks about dealing with loss and trauma in a relationship. She’s been through a lot of heartache in her life, but she knows God has good plans for her. Her faith hasn’t wavered, and she’s getting to see His goodness.
BTO: What has the Lord taught you about grief and sorrow?
Amy: So I’ve had a bit of grief and sorrow in my life. My parents divorced when I was 5. When I was 19, I lost my first baby at nearly ten months pregnant. Then my husband of twenty years, who was my best friend and high-school sweetheart, passed away after a thirteen-year battle with cancer. I married again for a brief time and then experienced a divorce because of lies and abusive behavior.
Through all these things, God has taught my heart to love deeper. I know—crazy, right?! But even as I lost more dreams, grief has made my heart grow deeper. Fuller, I would say. God has used the sorrow in my life as a teacher of what things matter in this beautiful, albeit sometimes painful, life.
I’ve learned to say what I feel in my heart, to not take for granted all the moments I’ve been given. I say “I love you” to the ones I love, even if it’s weird to others. It’s taught me selflessness. I give more to those I care about without counting the cost.
I’ve learned to have grace for myself. And I have more grace for others. We are all going through hard things.
Grief changes your heart. It can make it hard or it can make it softer, deeper. If you let it make you softer, it allows God to do beautiful things with you and through you for others. It allows Him to take your wounds and heal them and turn your scars to gold.
BTO: What would you tell someone who’s afraid of loss?
Amy: There is a C. S. Lewis quote that comes to mind…
To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable.
Love is one of the things that makes life so amazingly beautiful. Honestly, it’s probably the main thing that makes it beautiful. And deeper. And crazy. And painful. It is a paradox of life. Can we truly live without loving? It is what brings life to our souls. And it’s what makes loss feel like part of us has died. To the degree that we love is the degree to which we feel our losses.
Looking at the people in your life that you love, would you give up ever having them in your life just in case you might someday lose them? You would not be the same person without them being in your life. Just like knowing them makes your life richer, the loss of them makes your heart deeper. It grows you stronger. It grows your heart’s capacity for gratitude, love, kindness, compassion, grace. While we would not choose to suffer loss just to gain these things and more, we should not live afraid of loss. It turns out that there is beauty in loss also.
Life is meant to be lived in the deep.
BTO: After experiencing such big losses in your life, why do you insist that God is good?
Amy: You know, God was with me through all of those things. And I knew He didn’t cause those things to happen. We live in a sinful world. People get to have free will and their choices have consequences or blessings on themselves and those around them. We may never learn why bad things happen to good people while we are here on earth. That is not actually what matters. What matters most is that God loves us so. He takes these hard things and He gently moves the shattered pieces around and creates the most beautiful things from them. Things so wonderful that we couldn’t ever have come up with that way of bringing beauty from ashes!
Have you ever looked at a Tiffany lamp? Those things are expensive because they are never mass produced or machine made. Every single lamp is made by hand, out of ugly lead and different colored, broken pieces of glass. The pieces are arranged by the designer in intricate patterns that are stunning. Each one unique.
That’s what God does with us. And when we choose to grow through our losses and turn to God to be our comfort, the beauty that God creates out of our lives is lit up for all to see.
BTO: What do you think is the most important thing for people to understand or remember in times of grief and loss?
Amy: Grief is hard. To put it mildly. No one goes through it exactly the same way. Your journey with grief will be unique to you. There is no time limit. There is no right way to do it. There are healthy ways and unhealthy ways, of course. Ignoring it or drinking it away is not going to help you make it through. Starting a new relationship right away is not going to help you. That all numbs it for a while. But it will still be there, buried, waiting for you to process it.
What I have learned is this: Let yourself feel it. Cry. Ask God all the questions you have. Tell Him how it hurts and you think it’s not fair. He has broad shoulders. He actually wants to hear it all. He knows you have to get it outside of you. Then ask Him to help you, hold you, heal you. He will! Listen to what He says back. Let yourself grieve how you need to as the emotions ebb and flow. When you need to hole up alone, that’s okay. Just don’t stay there!
Not everyone will understand your grieving process. That’s okay. You may lose some friends. That’s okay. There will be those who do understand, and they are such a blessing! Cherish them.
You will always feel the loss of your loved ones because you will always love them. I still cry four and a half years later! But I wouldn’t change that. It is a beautiful reminder of his life and the love we shared. It is a reminder of the things I’m grateful for.
Interested in reading more about dating, relationships, and your walk with God? Here are a few articles on related topics:
For more information on sex, marriage, and finding the person who is right for you, get a copy of Becoming the One by Salomé Roat. Click here to learn more. The book is also available in Spanish.