How Can I Trust God When He Hasn’t Brought My Spouse Yet?
Photo by Tim Gouw
I met Leon when I was eighteen, and I married him at twenty-two. Leon, however, was thirty when we got married, so his wait was obviously longer than mine.
Some people marry early, while others marry “later.” Some seemingly don’t have to wait at all, while others have to wait ten or twenty years. Sometimes even longer. I know people in their forties and fifties who haven’t married, not even for the first time, and this impresses me and blesses me deeply because they are seeking God’s will. They know what it means to persevere with Him and wait for Him.
No matter when you get married, the principle is the same. The Bible never changes and God never changes. We need to make sure we understand how to trust Him, even if doing things His way means waiting.
Why do we have so much trouble trusting God with our love life?
Much of the time when we have trouble trusting the Lord with our dating life, we’re actually doubting ourselves.
We’re doubting the desires of our heart.
We’re doubting the desires of God’s heart.
We’re doubting the goodness of our future. “Is marriage really something I am called to? How do I know for sure? Maybe God is making me wait because I got it wrong somehow, and this isn’t what He has for me.”
If we can learn how to stop doubting ourselves and the desires of our heart, we will find that trusting the Lord in our dating life is so much easier.
We need to realize how much the Father treasures the desires of our heart, and we need to trust those desires—seeing them as good things. God honors us when we delight in Him (Ps. 34:7), so one way to stop doubt in its tracks is by growing in our relationship with Jesus. Where dating is concerned, this often looks like hearing His voice, knowing He’s good, understanding He’s with us and that His Spirit is here to help us.
Here are four ways we can stop doubting ourselves and grow in our ability to trust the Lord.
1. Focus on God’s character. Who is He? What is His heart like?
When I feel like something I’m praying for isn’t going to happen, or that it won’t happen soon, I’ve found that the greatest thing I can do is know God’s character.
When we know who God is, we can rest in His promises. When He says He’s going to bless us with something, He will do it, no matter what. He keeps His word.
The hard part is, we never have control of the timing. There are a few things I’ve had to pray and wait for, and the waiting lasted for years and years. In one case, I had to wait for more than forty-five years—but the Lord did it. He answered the prayer.
Your trust in God will expand as you get to know His character more.
2. Understand who you really are. What does it mean to be a child of God?
If you’re struggling with trusting the Lord in your dating life, you probably need to grow in self-confidence.
“I’m just not in the right place.”
“I’m not good enough.”
“I don’t think I can do this.”
“I don’t think I’m a worthy child of God.”
All these thoughts are signs of a lack of self-confidence, and the answer is to grow in your identity as a child of God—or as we like to say here, learn how to become the one.
1. Purposefully turn your heart toward growing closer to God. What does it mean to be His child? What does the Bible say about His children? Choose a handful of verses and journal about them, meditating on how they describe you from God’s perspective.
2. Focus on how you can become the person you need to be. Observe yourself rationally and ask, “How can I grow and be the best person I can be for someone else?”
3. Realize how precious you are in God’s sight. So many believers struggle in this area, not realizing what God has done in them and for them. You are an amazing child of God, and He has someone special for you because you are special.
3. Talk to a friend or mentor you trust. They can help you move forward when you don’t know what to do.
Let someone know how you’re feeling and give you feedback.
“I don’t think I can do this.”
“Dating is scary! I’m not sure how to relax as I’m getting to know someone.”
“I’m wrestling with doubt that I will ever find the right person.”
“I’m just not in a good place.”
I love when people come to our BTO groups because it really helps them understand more about who God created them to be and how they can become that person. These groups help people grow in their health and self-confidence.
Ask for help if you’re struggling with self-confidence, addictions, low self-esteem, depression, etc. Join a group or go to a coach, counselor, or someone you trust—but do the work in your heart. Be willing to move forward and make changes. This will help you have the right attitude about yourself, dating, and what it means to love someone. It’s important that we always start with ourselves.
4. Understand how mature you are right now. Let Jesus reassure your heart.
This step can be difficult when we’re dealing with self-confidence issues, but here’s one way to go about it.
Marriage is a deep, intimate friendship between two imperfect people. It requires repentance and forgiveness, and it also requires sacrifice. Being in love with someone is not just about receiving from them; mainly it’s about giving to them. When you think about it logically, would you say that you are ready to sacrifice for another person? Are you willing to be humble with them? Are you okay with letting go of your own desires so you can help fulfill theirs?
Honestly, you might be a lot more ready for marriage than you think! God has been doing a great work in you this entire time, and you can trust Him to do His work well.
In the waiting, remember He’s good.
Beloved child of God, your heavenly Father is good and He always fulfills His promises. You can trust Him with all your heart as you wait to meet your spouse.
For more information on sex, marriage, and finding the person who is right for you, get a copy of Becoming the One by Salomé Roat. Click here to learn more. The book is also available in Spanish.