“My Partner and I Fight About Money All the Time. Is Our Relationship Doomed?!”
Photo by Nathan Cowley
If you’ve been following BTO for a while, you know that we don’t look at marriage and see only two people who love each other. We see a divine match, crafted by God, for the purpose of transforming the world. With His help—and just a little bit of planning—you and your partner can have a huge influence on the people around you.
The first place transformation happens is in your relationship—two people learning to love each other even in times of conflict, choosing to be “the one” for each other on a daily basis.
One area where every couple has to transform, whether they want to or not, is in their finances. Money is a great place for the love and nature of God to be seen in a marriage in practical ways.
I married a financial advisor who loves to save money, while I love to have fun with money. If you can’t spend it making your life better, then why have it at all?
As you might imagine, Leon and I have had to work through our differences where money is concerned to come to a place where we are both comfortable and willing to compromise. The saver and the spender each transformed to make room for the other person.
Money is a common area of conflict for couples. But disagreeing about money doesn’t have to be a deal breaker. In fact, I am so thankful for the way Leon and I argued about money in the past—because those arguments allowed us to start to use money in a more balanced way.
These days when my husband and I talk about money, we make sure to do so in a way that promotes closeness and intimacy. We still disagree from time to time, but we put these disagreements before God, knowing He will work things out the way He intends.
What can a couple do if they don’t see eye to eye about money?
How can they work together to get on the same page?
Here are a few ways you and your partner can step into transformation together and use your finances to bless and honor God. Though directed at money, these points actually apply to any area where you and your partner need to meet in the middle.
“She wants to travel, but I want to save up for a down payment on a house. What do we do?”
One great way to get on the same page with your partner is to sit down and list the pros and cons of each person’s position.
What are the benefits of buying your own home?
What are the benefits of renting but having more money to travel?
If you’re saving up to buy a home, what will you have to sacrifice to reach that goal?
What will you have to sacrifice if you want to see the world?
What are you hoping to do for retirement? What would it be like to retire early?
Write down your goals as a couple and include what the two of you are willing to do to reach those goals. Also include your assets (the financial benefits you are bringing to the marriage) and liabilities (your debts), and give yourselves a clear picture of what your finances look like practically.
“These are our goals. These are our assets and liabilities, and these are our incomes. This is what we think we can do.”
As you set all of these things out on the table, you open up the communication lines. You may find yourselves feeling more comfortable talking about several different areas, now that you know you can discuss money.
On the negative side, if you can’t come even to a minimal agreement about your financial goals, it will be hard to get on the same page with this person.
“I don’t like talking about money with my partner. It gets so awkward and seems to go nowhere. How can we make it better?”
First, if you find yourself disagreeing over and over again about financial matters, then this is a topic that needs to come under the lordship and guidance of the Holy Spirit. Before you get married, before you make big purchases as a couple—learn how to pray together about financial matters. Bring these things to the Lord.
Second, look at what the Scriptures say about money, and use the Bible as your common ground with money. The Bible has some really good financial wisdom points. Jesus spent a lot of time talking about finances because money reveals many things about a person’s heart.
“We try not to fight about money, but it is hard to be calm about this! It’s like he can’t see where I’m coming from. How can we address this topic in a way that works for us both?”
Bring in a trusted, wise, maybe older couple who can listen to some of the issues you’re having and give you godly counsel.
Set out your questions and concerns before them, and be open to what they say. They can steer you back to the Scriptures and pray with you. They can share what has helped them and how they came to a place of peace with money in their marriage.
Having mentors who can give you practical, tried-and-true advice is one of the best ways for two very different people to come together and start to agree about their financial goals.
“What is the biggest thing my partner and I need to understand about money as we head into marriage?”
We need to see ourselves as stewards of the good things God has brought us. He owns all of this, and every good thing we have comes from Him.
If you and your partner can think of your finances from a stewardship perspective—that He owns it, and you steward it—you will be able to make better financial decisions.
“We are doing this with Him and for Him. That is the understanding we share in our marriage, which means neither of us is going to run off and make a sudden, impulsive spending decision—we are honoring Him with our finances.”
“We consult Him first, and we consult each other.”
“Because all of this is His money, we can relax together in our marriage and be in agreement with how we move forward.”
You and your partner are here to transform the world. Don’t be afraid of the money topic—because it is just one way you will get to see the beauty and wisdom of God in your marriage.
Your heavenly Father loves you more than you realize! For more about His amazing, unending love, check out Becoming the One by Salomé Roat. Click here to learn more. The book is also available in Spanish.
Other articles from Salomé Roat and Becoming the One: